Posts Tagged ‘Film’

Movie Critics Are Mostly Idiots – And They Know It

August 4, 2013

I recently had the misfortune of watching Human Centipede 2. It was recommended to me in Amazon Prime Video under the Horror genre. Let’s be clear: It isn’t horror. There’s nothing scary about Human Centipede 2. I’ve seen movies that scared me enough to affect my sleep for several days at a time. Scary movies stick with you – regardless of how legitimately realistic they may be. I’ll say it again: Human Centipede 2 is not a horror movie.

Human Centipede 2 is what I refer to as the new torture porn movies. The formula is pretty simple:

  • Lots of pointless nudity
  • As much vomiting as possible
  • Human beings being graphically tortured to death
  • Villains who don’t get their comeuppance
  • Arrogant, socially awkward director

That’s why I call it torture porn. It’s basically naked people being brutally murdered and butchered by a villain who never really gets what is coming to him/her. There are no heroes. There is no satisfaction. It’s just a depressing, pointless shit show. 

So, I decided to head to Rotten Tomatoes to see if 100% of people agreed with me that this was utter garbage. I was relieved to see that this movie is rated a very generous 30%. I KNEW – I just knew – that there were going to be some critics who tried to put lipstick on this pig and I wasn’t let down.



The Dark Knight Rises Review

July 22, 2012


The Dark Knight Rises is the third and final movie for this particular Batman franchise. I saw the movie at midnight on opening night and now that I’ve had a few days for the movie to sink in, I’ll review it. Of course, don’t read on if you don’t want aspects of the plot spoiled. In my opinion, I think this movie is better than 2008’s The Dark Knight. It’s refreshing to see a movie trilogy end with closure as well. There is closure regardless of how you interpret the ending.

As you know, the movie starts out 8 years after The Dark Knight ends. The Batman is gone because of the events during The Dark Knight. He’s public enemy #1 while Harvey Dent is still hailed as a hero. Due to this, it’s said that a law was passed, The Dent Act, which enabled all the criminals to be locked up. Gotham is enjoying a time of peace, but it’s clear that Commissioner Gordon still feels immense guilt over the lie being told to the public. On the 8th anniversary of Dent’s death, Gordon almost tells the truth, but chooses not to do so. Bruce Wayne is also a recluse, having not been seen in years.

Selina Kyle is introduced early in the movie and never referred to as Catwoman in the film. Hathaway is pretty good as Catwoman and much better than Batman Returns. She doesn’t have ‘9 Lives’, but is instead a skilled fighter and good at getting out of situations, which makes more sense as a character who is more of a master thief. Another major character was John Blake, who was played brilliantly by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Without spoiling too much, you discover that John isn’t his real first name.

Now we get to Bane. I thought Bane was a good character. I’ll be honest, I had a little trouble understanding his speech sometimes, but it may have been because I had to sit in the second row of the theater and not in the middle. Bane is insanely brutal and is involved with probably the most shocking scene in any Batman movie – the first fight between him and Batman. I didn’t read too much about the movie before release, so I wasn’t even expecting Bane to not be the main antagonist in the movie. That part caught me off-guard.

More or less, during Gotham’s time of peace, the city has been lulled into a false sense of security. At the same time, Bane is directly beneath them quietly building a revolution. He exploits the poor by pitting them against the wealthy and slowly builds an army. Of course, with no Batman, the city is powerless to stop Bane once his plan begins. Bane uses the lies the public was told about Harvey Dent to further turn the city against itself. While you might correctly assume that the Dark Knight ‘Rises’ in this movie, you might incorrectly assume he fell at the end of The Dark Knight. No, Batman’s fall happens in a pretty shocking series of events about halfway into the movie. It brings the entire trilogy full circle and even brings back Alfred’s actions (burning Rachel’s letter).

The finale will send chills down your spine as Batman leads the hundreds of police officers into the warzone that once was City Hall to fight Bane and his army hand-to-hand. There’s also an insane sequence with the Bat (plane) fighting a group of Tumblers that have been modified by Bane’s army. All of this while they race against time and Batman literally gives Gotham his everything. Earlier, Catwoman had asked Batman to just leave the city with her because he’s given the city ‘everything’ to which he responds, “Not everything, not yet.”

The movie ends with a scene with Alfred and the look on his face will almost make you cry out of happiness. It’s a great ending and shows that Batman will live on as a symbol of hope with or without Bruce Wayne. I’m of the opinion that there was no hidden message or illusion, what you see is what’s really happening and it’s perfect that way. 

The Amazing Spider-Man Review

July 9, 2012


Spoilers ahead!

I decided to give The Amazing Spider-Man movie a chance on Independence Day. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much. I’m part of the crowd who was kind of bummed to see a new Peter Parker and a rebooted franchise with the last trilogy still so fresh. I agree that Spider-Man 3 was a poorly written plot that tried to do way too much at once and was generally bad in comparison to the first two movies – both of which rank among my favorite movies.

Let’s start with the movie’s plot. It’s a straight-up reboot. Most of the movie is fairly similar to 2002’s Spider-Man. I’ll start with Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker. Tobey Maguire, in my opinion, was absolutely perfect for this part, so taking his place will be a challenge. I think Garfield played the role pretty well, but I think that the way he was presented was awful. First, in the original Spider-Man, Parker was a true nerd. He was down on his luck, wore glasses, clumsy, insanely brilliant, and just about every other nerd stereotype there is. You felt sorry for him, you were happy when he did well, and you just wanted him to win. Like when Doc Ock levels a de-powered Parker through a wall and takes MJ, Parker bursts out of the rubble, throws his now useless glasses down (His powers were back), and clenches his fist in anger. You just knew he was going to beat Doc Ock’s ass. It then led to the famous train fight, which might be one of the best movie fight scenes ever. There is no feel-good moment like that in this movie.