Movie Critics Are Mostly Idiots – And They Know It

I recently had the misfortune of watching Human Centipede 2. It was recommended to me in Amazon Prime Video under the Horror genre. Let’s be clear: It isn’t horror. There’s nothing scary about Human Centipede 2. I’ve seen movies that scared me enough to affect my sleep for several days at a time. Scary movies stick with you – regardless of how legitimately realistic they may be. I’ll say it again: Human Centipede 2 is not a horror movie.

Human Centipede 2 is what I refer to as the new torture porn movies. The formula is pretty simple:

  • Lots of pointless nudity
  • As much vomiting as possible
  • Human beings being graphically tortured to death
  • Villains who don’t get their comeuppance
  • Arrogant, socially awkward director

That’s why I call it torture porn. It’s basically naked people being brutally murdered and butchered by a villain who never really gets what is coming to him/her. There are no heroes. There is no satisfaction. It’s just a depressing, pointless shit show. 

So, I decided to head to Rotten Tomatoes to see if 100% of people agreed with me that this was utter garbage. I was relieved to see that this movie is rated a very generous 30%. I KNEW – I just knew – that there were going to be some critics who tried to put lipstick on this pig and I wasn’t let down.

Let me discuss movie critics. No, not people who casually blog about movies. I’m talking about people who do it for a living. Generally, I’ve learned that professional movie critics aren’t overly intelligent. Sure, they can speak and type somewhat coherently, but when your professional career peaks at writing movie reviews for a newspaper or website, you obviously didn’t have a lot of potential to begin with. These folks aren’t Rhodes Scholars – no matter how much they want to act like it. 

Because of this, they like to act like they’ve found some underlying meaning in movies that no one else sees and then discuss how it relates to some social or political issue or some other pile of crap that is beyond what 99.9% of a movie-going audience cares about. The best part is that many times, they simply make shit up. 

Here’s a review from the New York Post:

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His first sentence is correct. But demonically funny, stylish, and ingenious? There is nothing funny in this movie. V.A. Musetto shows how desperately dumb he is by using an oxymoron (He thinks it makes him look intelligent and deep or even worse – witty). To find anything stylish or funny (even ‘demonically’) makes me think you’re a threat to society. I challenge him to explain where he laughed. Was it when characters were shot and then beaten with a crow bar? Had their tendons cut out of their knees? When an infant newborn was killed? When people were shitting in each other’s mouths? Maybe when he raped a girl with barbed wire? When they were all executed? Yeah, that is demonically funny!

Let’s clear up why the critics call this film ‘ingenious’ – he’s far from the only one. After the first film, people (correctly) said that it was disgusting and really unfit to even earn an R rating. Countries tried to ban it and said it would lead to real-life violence. The director, that genius, thought his creative flame was being snuffed. In response, he made this movie that basically mocks those critics with a copycat killer that is inspired by the original film. Get it? He responds to critics by making an even more disgusting movie that mocks their fears/concerns. What a Saint! He showed them how creative he was! You’re just too much of a simpleton to understand the genius!

What better way to thwart criticism that movies like this could potentially fuck with some sociopath’s mind and inspire them? I know! Let’s have a man scarred by a life of sexual, mental, and physical abuse become inspired by the original film and brutally murder people! How ingenious!

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Back to the reviews, here’s a guy from Scene 360 (WTF is that?). He says Martin (the sociopathic murderer) ‘is us‘. How deep. By Us, do you mean you and me? Society in general? Boy, that fell apart quick. Don’t worry, I’m sure Anton has some deep social commentary about how our obsession with watching people’s misery in life somehow equates us to the main villain in this film. On the surface, he would probably seem like a genius. There is a Grand Canyon between TMZ and abducting, torturing, and murdering people, though. Anton is hoping you aren’t smart enough to think that hard. 

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Here, Tom Clift uses his status as a movie reviewer to influence the ‘contentious’ argument. He gives it away by saying that ‘violence in cinema can somehow can be blamed for violence in real life.‘  Did you catch that? His original statement excluded the ‘somehow‘. He then decided that since he personally thinks that cinema violence cannot influence real life violence, he needed to add the dismissive ‘somehow‘ into the sentence, but he double typed ‘can‘ and apparently Moviedex has no editors or proofreaders to catch the mistakes. 

So, you get the point. movie critics are generally dumb. It’s a low-end journalism position. Their colleagues are covering news and things that matter and they’re at film screenings writing articles that are irrelevant to most of their audience. Since no one buys a magazine or a newspaper for the movie reviews, they can get away with producing nothing of any real value. There’s probably an inferiority complex at work as well. That’s where you get these convoluted interpretations of shit. 

They would argue that everyone sees what they want to see in art. I’ve always found that to be stupid as well. People see what they want as long as it makes them feel superior to people who don’t. I could look at a painting of random shapes and say I see an open field with the wheat swaying in the wind on a sunny day with slow-moving clouds in the sky. A single child stands in the field looking at the sky pondering his overall purpose in life. I could say that symbolizes a dilemma every child faces as it grows to adulthood as it tries to find a niche in life. And I would get an A on my paper in art class and probably some nods of agreement at some pompous art showing. You know what, though? I’d have lied. I made up some bullshit to impress people. 

That’s how I feel about critics who pan every movie that is popular and find some kind of genius is some garbage film like Human Centipede 2

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